Shady
by CrosserX
Summary: Deadpool one-shot. Deadpool is hired to test Wolverines healing factor, and he gets a bit more then he bargained for.


For the comic readers. Remember than Daniel Way said this in an interview:

"The two boxes are the two sides to Deadpool. The badass killing machine side and the funny guy side.

But which side is which?"

So.

This = Wade.

**This = White Box.**

This = Yellow Box.

Capeesh?

(I don't know if that's how that's spelled.)

* * *

><p>"You want me to take out Wolverine? Are you freaking nuts?"<p>

Yes, I pouted. I whined. I crossed my arms and jutted my lip out and tried my very hardest at looking sullen. Very hard to do when you're wearing a mask.

"Wolverine doesn't _die_," I said. "Are you stupid?"

WTF? This kid was 15, pimply, and a gamer and he wanted me to take out _Wolver-freaking-ine?_

**Sounds kinda shady to me. . .**

You don't say?

"If anyone can kill him it's you," the kid said in a nerdy, squeaky voice. "I'll pay you 30 grand. I must confirm the rumors of his healing factor!"

"I'll give it a shot, bro. No promises. I get paid up front."

"Half now, half later."

I sighed. Why did the geeks always make it difficult?

"Fine," I said. "Half now, half later." I cracked my knuckles.

**You never crack your knuckles. **

I do sometimes.

When?

Shut up. "Better hope no one's home in the mansion tonight."

* * *

><p><em>POW POW POW POW POW POW POW POW. <em>Logan looked at me with one of those Bitch-Did-You-Just-Shoot-Me looks. He sighed.

"You're getting blood on my carpet, bub."

Shit. He called me bub. Now I _know_ I'm in trouble.

"I . . . have to be somewhere else." I took a break for it, running from the room before he could slash me. I'm so _sick _of being slashed. Especially by him. I slammed the door behind me.

"Mr. Wilson. This is a private room, you realize?"

Oooooh, I know that voice. And so does another part of my body.

I turn my head slowly. _Shes in her undies, yes!_ Those are some. Tits. And her body. . .

"Hell-O, Emma!" I said, rubbing my hands together.

**Even if you never stood a chance.**

What's that supposed to mean?

Emma Frost raised an eyebrow. "Mr. Wilson. If you'd please get out of my room –"

"How about in the bed?" I asked, wiggling my eyebrows.

*30 seconds later*

There was a crash, and Emma Frosts door has been splintered in two by a flying Deadpool. Note to self: Do NOT try and seduce women who can turn into a living diamond.

Shit! Now Logan will come to see the commotion, he'll see me, and I'll be slashed.

I ran to another room, opening the heavy door and slamming it behind me. Music played loudly from the apartment, and no one was in sight. I gave a breath of relief.

Dragging my feet, I followed the source of the music to the bedroom door. I kicked the cracked door open.

"Ahhhh! Oh my Lord! What the Hell? WHAT THE HELL?"

**Son of a bitch!**

Now THAT'S a rack!

I spun around, not wanting to see anymore of Gambit's tallywacker, though I wouldn't have minded seeing more of Rouge's –

**Easy there, champ. This isn't a porno. **

Right. Well, I got out of there – if Logan didn't hear that scream, then he was deaf. Which he is not.

I ran downstairs, intending to get away from the bedrooms, avoiding getting slashed, and a pair of automated doors opened. I ran into them. Everything was quiet. No Logan. The doors shut heavily, and suddenly the lights cut on. I was in a city! Wow, Chuck X really outdid himself. . .

"Watch it!" I was sprayed with ice-cold-freakin-water. I looked up, soggy, to see that Storm chick fly by, followed by the Cyclops guy on foot, with the furry guy right behind him. I ducked out of the way, not intending to be taken down by a boy scout nor a blue kitty, and ran for the door.

Gotta love that danger room.

I ran for the kitchen, saw a backdoor, and started for it. I slipped on something – a banana peel! Oh, you have _got _to be kidding? You fanfiction people just get a good laugh, ahahahaha.

Everything went black thanks to a stupid banana.

"I think he's waking up." I opened my eyes to see two teenagers standing over me. I jumped up. "Where's Wolverine?"

"On his way down –"

I took off running through the foyer, screaming like a little girl just for dramatic affect. I went right through Kitty and her boyfriend of the week, before coming to a screeching halt in the living room. Logan was sitting on the couch, drinking a beer.

"You – you're not looking for me?" I asked.

He gulped some beer. "Nope."

"You mean to tell me," I started, out of breath. "I've been all over this mansion, and you weren't even chasing me?"

"That would be right."

I paused, looking at him. Then I grabbed him by the throat.

"I SAW GAMBITS TALLYWACKER YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!"

* * *

><p>"Well? Did you kill him?" The nerd asked eagerly as I came back for the rest of my cash.<p>

"Sure did," I said, collecting my fee. "Choked him till he turned blue."

"Excellent work!"

"Oh, yeah," I added thoughtfully, heading for the door. "I was headed out the door just as his healing factor allowed him to come back to life, and I accidently dropped a paper that had your full name, phone number, and street address on it. I'll lock your front door on my way out – not like it will help."

**Shady.**

I love a happy ending. 


End file.
